Hi there.
another post.
well this time I think I'm going to use this blog more as a diary of my emotions or rather lack of them and my inability to feel anything for the people around me. The reality is i wake up feeling angry and aggressive and feel like renaming my post - DIARY OF AN ANGRY MAN. it seems much easier for me to disagree and argue with people and even dare i say it, hate people than it is to love all that i see around me. I'm aware that this makes me part of the problem and not the solution to the worlds ills. Please Jehovah, let me relate in a more loving way to the people around me. so what are my feelings. the truth is I don't know any more. I feel like my mum and brother are strangers but i know that it is rather my lack of positive feeling and affection towards them that make me the stranger. My family are wonderful, nice people - it's me who's aggressive and unkind . please let remorse kick in so that everyone's time on this earth can be more rewarding. Its selfish and that I'm am being hostile as in reality undermining others by my conniving hostility is making the community and by that i mean, the whole world community, worse off - jealousy, envy, sexual preoccupation and feeling of dog eats dog which is not the reality. all of these things make the world a worse place as we are all from the same African mother. We are related. Analysing people rather than loving them makes the world a worse place and the self centred, self pitying attitude that i have only hinders others lives so all of this has to change

i went around my friend Davids' house yesterday, and he is so passionate and feeling and compassionate in a way that I'm not. please not allow me to be envious of him but instead to be more like him. He has had terrible epilepsy but he never feels sorry for himself, but instead is bewildered by how horrible people can be to each other. He as much as anyone has shown me my own depravity and there is no more reason or excuse for my negativity than there should be for his.
there are no excuses for hatefulness as this is a vicious circle that nobody can benefit from.

We saw Swimming Pool with Charlotte Rampling who was really good as a writer in France and then there was the sexy young girl ( really in Charlotte Rampling's character's imagination) and then my mind goes to sex whereas she was really a vulnerable girl who had lost her mum and needed love and i think i have ruthlessly exploited and disrespected women in that position to fulfil my own ego driven sex drive that is really more interested in the sex than in the women.

Please god allow me the good grace to know that i have done wrong, and that i have been neglectful of others needs and rights and that therefore i am extremely lucky to have this house /flat provided to me by the state when i have been so rejecting of this society and of my own family and community. Please let my emotions recognise where i have gone wrong so that i can change and let me rectify my arrogant attitude and emotions so that i am positive and never feel sorry for myself. no one is above the law - everyone is accountable for their actions and let me embrace the fact that I have been treated very fairly when others haven't
I haven't been raped
I have been given great opportunities
mum harbours little resentment for the difficulties that i have given her
let me be a better brother son and friend to all of those around me and lift them with love and genuine concern and compassion.  I let go of selfishness for once and for all

I promise people that i am trying to change myself and show myself to you warts and all. i know i deserve to be judged but hope that you can keep an open heart towards my misdemeanour's

On a positive front, I would like to announce that i am writing a vampire thriller that i hope to put out on kindle soon and i hope that i can bring myself to be little more perfectionist in order to make it good and to help other with in a smiling positive way

Now I really did have the intention of stopping smoking, doing more exercise and eating better so later on today i will look on the internet to find out how to make sugar free diet and make it lasting and good and then get a plan for walking so that i can keep fit. Who needs the gymnasium after all when you've got nature out there

yesterday on my walk near minster Lovell i saw a deer that just stood and stared at me. It almost looked fake because its silhouette was so perfect and still. Like a cardboard cut-out. when it grew tired of me it just sauntered up the hill in it's little wood and it was so well camouflaged. Nature can be wonderful. I think im going to work out a walk that takes me into Witney and then back here again along footpaths so that i do it every day and don't get lazy and don't do too much TV watching.

Ok - first things first - lets get that walking plan together.

I HOPE ONE DAY SOMEONE MIGHT READ THIS AND PUT OUT SOME COMMENTS

Another thing to do would be to take my camera out and do some photos on my walks.
That would be nice